Do you ever get the feeling that you’re drowning and people are watching it happen? You keep coming up for air and are quickly sucked back under, vision blurring, oxygen leaving your lungs never to return and all the while faces with blank stares are just gazing down at you with only a vague interest? Ugh…me neither!
Yesterday totally felt like one of those days, but as I sit, reflect and type I’m realizing it didn’t have to be. I was the one that didn’t reach my hand out to ask for help. Rather, I slipped quietly deeper and deeper into the water.
Even when asked “do you need help?” or “is everything ok?” For a quick moment I panic and respond “No-no I’m fine!”. What the hell does that even mean? It truly means “No, things are sucky, I feel completely alone and f*cked, but what are you going to do about it?”. Everyone has some sort of code phrase similar to that…think about it.
It’s a total jackass move, especially when people are asking you a question anticipating an honest answer. Yet, all they hear is what you want them to hear. Lying serves no purpose, yet everyone has done it. You’re not saving them from anything, just making it worse for yourself in the long run (no duh!). Haven’t I learned anything from traveling? I need to put my oxygen mask on first before I can help anyone else.
I’m not sure where this “I’m fine, but not really” attitude comes from. I’m sure there are toooons of studies done, blaming parents, past relationships, self-esteem issues as well as pirates (yep…I said pirates). Regardless of where it stems from, we really should knock it off, it’s lame. Personally, I have so much going on that I just don’t want to drag anyone else into it. The current solution to my problem is punching stupid parents in the face, not constructive or even reasonable, but somehow calming and it brings a small smile to my face.
With that said, my work for the week is to respond as honest as possible, ok, it might take a few weeks…months? <sigh> Regardless, in order for me to continue to “balance” things sanely I need to be sure to call upon my available resources rather than feeling I need to do it all, which I’m totally not, but like I said, yesterday totally felt like one of those days.